I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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