Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
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i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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