Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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