last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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