literally had 100 drinks last night.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
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He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
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to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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