p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
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Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
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Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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