By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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