when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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