remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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