Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
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After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
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either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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