I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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