I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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