I am midnight drunk by noon
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
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What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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