my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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