I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I supernannyed him into submission
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