just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
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he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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