I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
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Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
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Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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