There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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