I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
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sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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