Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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