I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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