No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
