im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
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Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
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