I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
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Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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