Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize