I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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