I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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