Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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