Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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