flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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