Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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