I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
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I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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