Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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