my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
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The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
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I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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