can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need a sexual gate keeper
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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