he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
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Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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