my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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