I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize