Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
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Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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