i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
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first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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