I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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