You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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