Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
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Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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