The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
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Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
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Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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