the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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