If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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