Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
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You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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