I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
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Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
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You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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