hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
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your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
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Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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