Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
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We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
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What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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